ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. PRINCE’S DUNGEON - DAY

The door slams open. Guards march in and stand at attention, slamming the butts of their spears on the wooden floor.  Xena is sitting on the table, the whip from the wagon coiled loosely around her. Gabrielle has her hands behind her back and she is peering innocently at a picture on the wall.

The prince enters and looks around. He does not seem to notice the entire back wall is missing, filled in with a stack of petrified looking idiots with linked arms.

PRINCE XERXES

You begged an audience with moi?
I am here! What do you wish to ask for
that I will of course, refuse to grant you?

Xena starts to answer, then uncoils her whip and flicks it out to smack Gabrielle on the butt. Gabrielle jumps and turns.

XENA

I think he's talking to you.

Gabrielle approaches the prince.

GABRIELLE

Look, I really think this was
just a misunderstanding.

PRINCE XERXES

Impossible. You were captured inside
my tax house. We are finished. Men?

Gabrielle steps in front of the prince, blocking his route.

GABRIELLE

Wait!

PRINCE XERXES

Wait?  Wait?  Thief!
Out of my path!  Men, subdue her!

The men advance on Gabrielle. Xena remains seated on the table, twirling the end of the whip in one hand. One of the soldiers pokes at Gabrielle with his spear. Gabrielle kicks it out of his hands and it flies past Xena. Xena follows its arc with interest, but does not seem alarmed. Another man rushes at Gabrielle. Gabrielle sidesteps him and he impales another soldier’s hat with his spear.

GABRIELLE

Hold on a minute!
You're a just man, aren't you?

PRINCE XERXES

Just? But of course I am. Are you not
justly imprisoned here? You should
not have been inside my tax house.

The prince turns to go. Gabrielle flips a third soldier, and boots a fourth in the butt, sending him sprawling in front of Xena. He attempts getting up. Xena clamps his head between her calves and twists, knocking him out. Xena resumes swinging her feet, clearly appreciative of the show being put on for her benefit.

GABRIELLE

I wasn't in the tax house!

The prince stops. He turns.

PRINCE XERXES

(indignantly)

Of course you were.

(aside to soldier)

Wasn't she?

SOLDIER

No sir. She was outside.

PRINCE XERXES

Outside?

SOLDIER

Yes, sir.

PRINCE XERXES

Then you caught her with money outside?

GABRIELLE

I didn't have any money.

PRINCE XERXES

Of course you had my money!

(to soldier)

Didn't she?

SOLDIER

No, sir. She didn't have any money.

The prince stamps his foot and puts his hands on his hips, flipping his cape up over his shoulder.

PRINCE XERXES

Then why did you arrest her?
This is intolerable! Horrible!
Awful! Unjust!

SOLDIER

You told me to, sir.

PRINCE XERXES

Nonsense! She must go free
at once. No one shall say that I,
Prince Xerxes, is unjust!

The prince walks over and flings the door open. He throws his arm out with a flourish.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

Woman, go on your way!

Gabrielle smirks at Xena. Xena crosses her arms.

GABRIELLE

What about my friend?

PRINCE XERXES

What friend?

Gabrielle points at Xena.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

(to soldier)

Did you capture her
inside the tax house?

SOLDIER

No, sir.

PRINCE XERXES

Well, then, woman….

(looking closer)

You are a woman, aren't you?

Xena's eyes drop to her chest, then lift back up to the prince's. If looks could kill, he'd be in trouble.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

No matter. Go on your….

SOLDIER

She came OUT of the tax house.

PRINCE XERXES

Ah! She WAS in the tax house?

SOLDIER

Yes, sir.

The prince marches to the door, hustling Gabrielle before him.

PRINCE XERXES

Ten years! Good day.
Come along, my dear.
I'll allow you to have lunch with me.

Gabrielle pulls herself free, and gets to the door first, closing it.

GABRIELLE

I can't.

PRINCE XERXES

Of course you can! I said so!

GABRIELLE

I can't go without my friend.

(pointing to Xena)

Where she goes, I go.

The prince looks at Gabrielle in disbelief. He looks at Xena. The soldiers also look between the two of them.

SOLDIERS

Awwww....

PRINCE XERXES

But she's in jail!

GABRIELLE

That's okay. I'd rather stay here with
her in jail, than leave with out her.

SOLDIER

Isn't that wonderful, sir?

The prince starts twitching and jerking.

PRINCE XERXES

It is not wonderful. It is...
silly! Foolish! Useless!

The prince storms out, slamming the door behind him. He leaves the soldiers inside the jail. Helplessly, they look around, milling about in confusion. Gabrielle walks to the door and opens it. She points. The soldiers all trot out, thanking her.  Gabrielle slams the door on the last of them. She looks at Xena. Xena shrugs.

XENA

Sounded good to me.

The entire back wall of the jail suddenly collapses into a pile of squiggling townsfolk. Outside, a bell starts ringing.

It starts getting louder.  And louder.  And louder.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT - DAY

A platform has been set up in front of the prince's gates. Tax collectors stand near either end. Theresa, Pelenius, their friends and families suddenly appear from behind the jail. They are covered in scratches, dents, and blood, and their clothing is ripped and dirty.

Near the platform, a bell tower is now standing. A soldier is underneath it, ringing the bell for all he's worth. No one can hear a thing it's so loud.

The prince marches to the platform. He realizes it's too high for him to get onto.

PRINCE XERXES

Men! I command you to lie down,
and let me step all over you!

The soldiers stand around, oblivious.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

Men!! Men!!!

One soldier picks his teeth. Another picks a more unsavory location. The prince stomps over and slaps him. The guard jumps.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

Down! Down!!!

The soldier has no idea what he's saying. He runs off. Frustrated, the prince tries to pull himself up onto the platform. He gets stuck halfway, on a particular part of his anatomy. Two of the soldiers see him. They rush over and try pushing him forward. The prince’s eyes almost come out of his head.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

Nnnooooo!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S DUNGEON - DAY

The door slams open. Xena steps outside, outlined by the light coming through the missing back wall of the jail. She lifts her chakram and pauses, then whips it along with a side motion of her arm.

The chakram whizzes through the air. It conks both soldiers pushing Xerxes on the head, then ricochets off and slices through the rope holding the bell up. The bell falls on the head of the bell ringer, ringing his bell in a more or less permanent way.

Xena watches it go, giving it a little body language as it bounces off a few more items and bodyparts.

The bell sounds fade, replaced by a high-pitched scream from Prince Xerxes. The chakram zooms past, smacking the prince in the butt and sending him flying up onto the platform.

The screaming stops.

Xena lifts her hand catches the chakram. She blows a bit of dirt off it and walks back inside the jail. Xena slams the door behind her with a loud bang.

The crowd all stands still. Everyone looks at each other. Prince Xerxes groans.

A loud creaking is heard.

Slowly, the walls on the jail all fall outward, collapsing with a huge crash as the thatch roof falls straight down.

The crowd gasps.

Two scarecrows emerge from the debris and start towards the crowd.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT - MOMENTS LATER

The scarecrows approach. The crowd screams in fear.

CROWD

Aieeee!!!!!!!!!!

PRINCE XERXES

Men! Monsters! Save us!

Xena shakes herself hard and sends straw flying. A moment later, Gabrielle does the same.

CROWD

Whew!

PRINCE XERXES

Women monsters! Surround them!

Soldiers rush over and form a circle around Xena and Gabrielle.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

Bring them over here so that
I might judge them again!

(aside to scribe)

It was so much fun the first time.

PELENIUS

Wait! What about our marriage!

CROWD

Yes!

The prince stomps to the front of the podium.

PRINCE XERXES

Wedding? Impossible. None of
you can afford my marriage tax!
You're all poor wretches!

The scribe pulls on his skirt.

SCRIBE

(whispering)

Sir, we have one!

The prince looks down.

PRINCE XERXES

Impossible!

The tax collector comes over, holding up a sack full of coins. The scribe shows the prince her parchment. The prince frowns.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

But I don't want any marriages!
Completely out of the question!

THERESA

But...
We already paid for it!
It's the law!

CROWD

It's the law!

The prince makes a face at them.

PRINCE XERXES

Well, it's my law. I can change it!

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other. They draw their weapons. The guards all take a step back.

GABRIELLE

If your laws are that fickle,
I guess we don't have to
follow them either, right?

The prince looks at them. Xena twirls her sword. Gabrielle examines the very sharp tips of her sais.

PRINCE XERXES

Okay. Maybe we can have just one.

(to Pelenius)

Show me the money.

The crowd pushes the tax collector forward, as they cheer.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT PLATFORM - MOMENTS LATER

Theresa and Pelenius are shoved up onto the platform next to the prince. The prince looks at their tattered clothing and moves away from them.  The tax collector hands him the bag.

PRINCE XERXES

All right. All right.
Don't get too close.

The prince hefts the bag and shakes his head. He opens the top and looks inside.

THERESA

It's all there. I counted it.

PELENIUS

Twice.

The prince removes a coin.

PRINCE XERXES

Fine, fine.

(to scribe)

Write down that they're married
so I can get to the good stuff.

(looking at Pelenius and Theresa)

Go on, it's done. Go away.

Theresa and Pelenius look at each other, and shrug. They start to leave.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

Wait!

They turn back and smile. The prince holds up the coin.

PRINCE XERXES

(Cont’d)

This is mine!

THERESA

Well... YES!

PRINCE XERXES

No, it's my coin! Mine! You stole it from me!
You've paid with my own money!
Guards!  Guards!  Arrest them!

CUT TO:

EXT. PRINCE'S ENCAMPMENT - SAME TIME

The guards around Xena and Gabrielle run towards the prince.

XENA

We can leave now. Let's go.

GABRIELLE

(indignantly)

No we can't! We have to help them!
C'mon, Xena! You can't just
leave all of them like this!

Xena smiles at Gabrielle's words - they remind her of a time much earlier in their partnership.  Xena looks around, and quickly formulates a plan.

XENA

All right. Get one of those barrels,
and let's clean this mess up.

GABRIELLE

What's in them?

XENA

Ale.

Xena and Gabrielle run to a wagon that contains barrels, all wrapped in purple ribbon. They drag one off the wagon and run towards the crowd and the soldiers.

It is chaos. The soldiers are trying to get to the platform, but the crowd is in their way. The crowd is trying to get out of the soldiers way, but they keep bumping into each other and blocking the soldiers.

The prince is on the platform chasing after Theresa and Pelenius, who are frantically trying to evade him.

The scribe is furiously scribbling it all down.

Xena plunks the barrel down and holds a hand out. Gabrielle slaps a tube into it. Xena puts the tube into the bunghole of the barrel.

Xena grabs a soldier, bends him over her knee, and sticks the end of the tube into his mouth. She whispers menacingly into his ear.

XENA

(Cont’d)

(threateningly)

Suck or die.

The soldier sucks. Gabrielle reaches out and snatches another soldier. He struggles. Gabrielle wrestles with him.

GABRIELLE

Don't make me hurt you.

XENA

He'd probably enjoy it.

Xena hauls the soldier upright and shoves him on his way. He sways back and forth, hiccuping.  Xena grabs Gabrielle's captive, and repeats the process.

GABRIELLE

This is going to take forever.

The soldiers are now managing to get through the crowd. The crowd starts to scream. Gabrielle runs and grabs another barrel. She pulls the stopper out, and a gush of ale emerges. Gabrielle grabs mugs and starts filling them. As the soldiers rush by, she hands them out.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

Here!

SOLDIER

Oh! Thanks!

The soldiers drink the ale. Xena gets tired of the soldiers sucking, and jumps up onto the platform with her barrel. She points the hose at the crowd and starts spraying everyone with the ale.

Everyone is turning brown.

SCRIBE

Oh! Wait! That's been taxed!
You can't..urgfighg....

Xena sprays the Scribe in the mouth with ale. The soldiers are now staggering around, toasting each other. The prince is still chasing Theresa and Pelenius around the platform.

PRINCE XERXES